Trying to get back to writing

I never knew it could be so difficult to get back to the computer and get my thoughts collected enough to start writing again.  I guess writing is like exercise.  It is easy to stop and hard to resume. Any excuse will do.  And believe me, I have a whole bunch of readymade excuses: I can’t go to the gym, it’s too late or it’s too early or it’s too crowded.  Sometimes I work harder at creating excuses for not working out than all the effort I would expend if I simply settled down and went to the gym.  But I digress.

At first, I must admit that I felt guilty about not writing.  Stray thoughts of “I really should be writing something if I’m serious about being an author” circled in my brain.  Recrimination and self-reproach tried their best to drive me back to the computer with rumblings of “I really should. . .” and “I’m wasting precious time. . .”   but being a practiced procrastinator, all of these thoughts were swiftly brought under control with a parade of excuses.  “I’m too busy” or “I’ll do it tomorrow” at first rang hollow in my ears but then settled comfortably into my writer-less routine.

For the past three months, I’ve written nothing. At first it was hard to do nothing, and then it was easier. I admit it.  And, this was the year of the New Year’s resolutions that promised to have a new book completed by mid-year.  Well, that isn’t going to happen.  What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?

I’ve undertaken a new adventure of sorts – one that was unplanned, much delayed and totally dictated by circumstances.  I simply realized that I have too much stuff.  This has resulted in a serious distraction from the world of writing to the real life world of self imposed change.  Retirement looms.  Scary.

Moving, downsizing, and getting rid of stuff have all been first and foremost in my daily existence of late. You know, it’s the stage that old folks go through before they sell the farm and move to Florida. Retirement.   Withdrawal from the workforce.  Departure from the gainfully employed. I don’t really know what else to call this phase of life.  The operative word for it today seems to be “downsizing”.  That’s what you do when you retire and get rid of all the stuff that your kids don’t want – all the stuff that you’ve carted around for the last fifty years because it had sentimental value attached or because it was just easier to move than to part with.  I can almost understand hoarders now.  It isn’t so much that they want the stuff, there’s just that there’s no one else who wants it either.  I’ve learned firsthand that things you accumulate when you are young and think you’ll go on forever, actually are more of an encumbrance than a joy in later life.

If you live on the east coast, retirement means selling your house and moving to Florida.  You celebrate the change as never having to endure another snowstorm. But what do you do when you live in a paradise like Arizona?  There is no incentive to move to a warmer climate.  Change is more slowly approached.

It was a surprise then, when I turned my life upside down.  I sold a house, bought a house, updated it and learned the joys of remodeling and downsizing first hand and at the same time.  I now know that in reality either word “downsized” or “retirement” really mean “upheaval,” “turmoil,” “chaos” or even “discombobulation” (actually a word I made up but it seems to work). A type of insanity takes over.

After enduring three months of total disruption, I am slowly trying to return to the things I used to enjoy doing.  Today, I have my hands on the key board.  Tomorrow, I may get back to my book – maybe. I’m already working on some new excuses.

Sliding Into Retirement

It’s finally happening and without any fuss or fanfare.  I’m getting closer and closer to retirement. For five years now I’ve been planning and scheming on how to avoid the inevitable, but now it seems like it’s just happening.  I know one of these days in the not so distant future I will wake up and realize that I am not a lawyer anymore—that I’ve entered into a new phase of my life called retirement.  As a septuagenarian, that should be welcomed news.

Retirement.  Even the word used to scare me to death.  I would wake in the middle of the night and wonder how I would remake my life.  For over forty years now, my life has revolved around the needs of my clients, the merciless demands of a disinterested court’s calendar or the simply the siren’s call of the billable hour.  Vacations were few and far between, a reality if you chose an existence as a sole practitioner in the cut throat business of law.  In every sense of the word, my work was my life.  It came first above all else.  I didn’t mind because I loved what I was doing.  The law became interwoven into my sense of self.   I forgot the ‘me’ and became the lawyer.

I’m sure this isn’t an unusual state.  They tell you in law school – almost the very first day – that the law will become your jealous mistress. I remember laughing when I heard that.  “Sure, like I need a mistress in my life,” I thought.  But, of course, they were right.  I don’t even remember when it happened.  I slipped into that all consuming web.  It was exciting, intoxicating and stimulating all at once. Like a ride at Disneyland, there is a certain kind of regret when the ride is coming to an end.  You feel like buying another ticket and getting back in line to do it all over again.

So, how am I making this transition to the end of the line?  Well, it certainly hasn’t been quiet or boring, that’s for sure.  Since the beginning of the year, I bought a new home and started to renovate it to be my “ultimate dream house.”  I’ve sold my big house on the water which was a surprise to me because I never thought that I would sell it.  But, all of a sudden, it was the right thing to do. Now I look at it as a rite of passage into a new phase of life.  The new house seems to fit into the plan.

It’s really strange how I used to think big was better.  The operative word now is “downsizing”.  Small is the new incentive.  I am learning how to divest myself of a lifetime of things—many of which I don’t even remember the how or why they came into my life, let alone, why I’ve held on to them.

Because of all the activity and change, I really haven’t had time to focus on what my life will be as I move to my new retirement community.  I want to get back to writing.  Although I’ve started my third novel, it is definitely at the bottom of my ‘to do’ list these days. I will get back to it one of these days. I still have lots of characters in my head who want to come out and play.  And so as I slowly move toward the dreaded retirement, I find that it’s not so dreaded after all.

As part of the chaos that is my life this instant, is the Book Fair in Tucson to promote Tender Offers.  Of course, I will go and put my author hat on as part of my newly assumed retirement. For the first time in nearly a half century, I actually have some control over my calendar – imagine that!  Nice.

My First Year as an Author

The Tender Offers Books have been out just slightly under a year now and it has been a fantastic adventure.  It looks like I’m getting some real attention as an author.  I’ve been invited to speak at the Scottsdale, Arizona Branch of the AAUW for its annual authors’ luncheon.  And, I’ve been invited to the Tucson Festival of Books.   I’ve endured the ups and downs of great reviews and critical ones, too.  And I’ve tried to learn from both.  I’ve experimented with social media which has been a brand new undertaking for me and opened doors I never knew before.  I’ve learned how to blog, and promote books, and do videos for YouTube.  To say that it’s been an exciting year is really an understatement.

Now, I am getting some recognition as an author and I must say that I am truly flattered.  I’ve spent my entire life avoiding the limelight.  I never was the type of lawyer that wanted the attention of the press, even when I’ve handled high profile cases and I’ve had plenty of those.  In fact, I never really wanted to talk to the press and made it a practice to give the lawyerly “no comment” response to all inquires.   Now that is changing and I have to learn how to deal with it.

This transition from an active practicing attorney to semi-retired attorney to author has been quite a process.  There have been many times that I have felt totally lost and at odds with who I am and what I am doing.   Honestly, there have been days when all I’ve felt is overwhelmed.  I can’t remember which hat I am wearing and it is hard to separate my clients’ needs from my heroine’s distress.  There are days when I suffer from one of the maladies of old age – the CRS syndrome (“can’t remember s**t” syndrome), and then, I really don’t know what I’m doing at all.  Endless hours are spent looking for a file or re-researching something I did the day before.  Other days, I just want someone to tell me how much time I’ll have in my “golden years” so I can smack them good before the delusion spreads further. The practice of law still demands much time and attention and writing is still more of a hobby than a career, and transition is much harder than I thought it would be. It is hard to unlearn a lifetime of skills and responses.  Sometimes the lawyer response is exactly opposite what I should do as an author.  I still almost instinctively want to avoid the press.

So as I continue with this learning process, I find the many friends (both old and new) that I have connected with on LinkedIn, Facebook and social media have been a wonderful support system full of ideas and information.  I owe them all a big “thank you” for all the interest and comments.  I want you to know that you all have been with me every step of this wild ride, but for me, I am enjoying every single delightful minute of this adventure.

For those of you who are interested, here is the information for upcoming events:

The link for the Tucson Book Festival:  http://tucsonfestivalofbooks.org/?id=14

The AAUW luncheon is on February 18, 2015 at 11:00 am to 1:30 pm at the Artichoke Grill at the Scottsdale Community College Culinary Arts School

On the Slippery Slope to Retirement

Retirement.  The “R” word and from my lips.  I know.   I know.  There are those of you who are doubled over laughing in disbelief!  This is something that I’ve been threatening to do for at least the last ten years, so I don’t blame you doubt my threats to retire now.  I expect a great deal of skepticism.  But, it’s real.  I sold my office building and I am actively in the process of closing down what has been my life for forty plus years.

It is with mixed emotions that I face the world as a retired person.  I still can’t let go completely and delude myself with promises of “just slowing down” and maybe working “one or two days a week”.  But in my heart, I know it’s a lie.  I never did learn to lie to myself, and really can’t find comfort in the empty words.  However, for today, my small deception allows me to go through the motions of closing my office and meeting the monumental changes with a smile on my face.

Fortunately, because of Tender Offers, the prospect of retirement is a little less bleak.  I tell myself now I will really have time to write and create. Maybe, I’ll finally find time to let all the characters out of my head to play on the pages of future books.  I have been asked if there will be a sequel to Tender Offers.  I honestly don’t know and only time will tell.  The only thing that I am absolutely sure of is that the kind words I receive from each of you who take the time to write a note to me, or leave a rating at Amazon, or just buy a book and enjoy it keep me going.  I know if I stay focused I will find the answer to my burning question: “Whatever will I do with myself?”

The trip into the world of writing has been quite an adventure.  I continue to learn things about myself and about being a senior citizen (words that I really just hate).  I know most positively that age is just a number.  I can do everything I could do when I was younger (it just takes me longer).  I am learning how to write novels, how to blog, and how to engage in social media—all things that I thought were beyond me.  I find doors are still open to me that I once had felt would be closed.  In fact, I find that as one door closes another opens to a bright sunshiny day of new opportunities  It is like a gift that keeps on giving with new and wondrous delights.

Through the process, I have become re-acquainted with numerous friends that have contacted me to say how much they enjoyed my writing.  That makes it all worthwhile. I still can’t believe it—some people actually like my writing–it really is almost overwhelming.  That alone makes all the frustrations, uncertainty and just plain hard work worthwhile.  I know though, I couldn’t do it alone,  Thanks for all your support. Keep it coming.  If you haven’t read my books, I invite you to do so.  If you haven’t rated them, oh boy, would that be nice.

So, as I continue along this path, I do have a favor to ask–well maybe two favors.  If you rate my books on Amazon, let me know you have done so.  I have had a number of people tell me that they rated my books, but it never showed up.  I need to follow-up with Amazon.  And my second favor, please share this with all your friends. My heartfelt thanks.